Selfishness, lack of confidence, or something else?

With great humor and self-awareness, Kristen Bell shared a relatable moment in conversation with Adam Grant during an episode of his Re-Thinking podcast. Kristen talked about a time when she 1) Was very clear on knowing and asking for what she wanted (coffee with a little cream), 2) Getting something different (cream with a little coffee), 3) Steeling herself to correct the mistake (ask for just one cream, ask for just one cream), and 4) When the moment comes, completely lose all resolve (gulp down that cup of coffee-flavored cream).

Contrary to what we might tell ourselves, Adam stated that people-pleasing is actually selfish because it comes from a place of not wanting to be disliked. Kristen agreed, and expanded: "I am not confident internally enough to say something that might make someone upset."

All of this may be true. AND in isolation*, this exchange points toward an explanation that's incomplete, and even harmful.

There is well-established research showing that women's hesitation to self-advocate is rational, not deficient. Women anticipate assertiveness bringing about negative attributions and backlash, and this is not imaginary. Many of us can name a time when we stood up for ourselves and were met with a snide glance or a “she sure is pushy” comment or even a promotion snub in response.

Women are not failing to ask for what they want because they are selfish or lack confidence. Women are accurately modeling a social system that penalizes them for self-advocacy, and they’re adjusting accordingly. This is women's brains playing chess – reading the board accurately and protecting what matters.

I call this Imposter Conditioning™: the pattern of self-doubt and overcorrection that arises not from lack of capability, but from navigating environments where expectations are inequitable or unclear.

Instead of treating this as a personal failing (e.g., a confidence problem to fix) let's look upstream and ask why women's invisible labor and strategic calibration are necessary in the first place. The internal work is real and worth doing, and it also can’t carry the full weight of what is ultimately a systemic problem.

If you're a woman in leadership who recognizes this kind of calculation, share an example. And if you want to be part of an honest conversation about it, send me a note.

Important to note: I've heard Adam Grant speak thoughtfully about the impact of social and cultural inequities on women, and I'm not at all implying he's ignoring them. I'm speaking to the limited context of this video clip exchange.